To All You Downtown D.C. Drivers

An Open Letter to Downtown D.C. Drivers, particularly those of you who traverse 14th Street in downtown at some point during your morning and/or afternoon commutes:

DON'T YOU FEEL FUCKING STUPID NOW?

There, I feel kinda better.

You, my friend, are a stupid driver.

You honked incessantly as if it would make the traffic move faster.

You tried to be a badass and make your oh-so-goddamn-important left turn ahead of oncoming traffic in the same instant your light turns green, so that those pesky pedestrians in the crosswalk ended up making you block up to three lanes of traffic. Because you were so goddamn important that your turn had to come first.

You never seemed capable of judging whether or not your car would be able to clear the opposing crosswalk, such that you would always block the box instead of just waiting one additional light cycle before going on into the intersection. Because you were so goddamn important that waiting for one extra light cycle would have killed you.

Well, now you've gone and done it. Other drivers -- marginally better ones, I suppose -- appear to have complained about your antics enough so that someone in power actually heard.

There are now traffic guards at various intersections on 14th Street downtown during peak traffic hours. They come complete with bright yellow vests and shiny shrill whistles. Crossing guards who will decide for you whether or not your car will make it through the intersection before the light turns red. Crossing guards who will tell you when it's okay to make that left turn. Crossing guards who actually understand the proper meaning of red, yellow, and green lights.

Yes, because you couldn't learn to fucking drive safely and politely on your own, you now have nanny crossing guards making all those big, hard decisions for you. I'm taken back to when I was in elementary school and we stationed Junior Police Officers at all the relevant crosswalks to make sure the kids made it across the street all right. But we were kids who probably actually did need some help crossing the street. You guys are fucking adults behind the wheels of cars. You should have been over your damn selves enough to be able to drive courteously on your own.

Now all we need is for someone to shell out public money to make sure you learn to fucking aim correctly in public bathrooms too, since you obviously can't figure that shit out for yourselves.