Thursday, June 23, 2005

To All You Downtown D.C. Drivers

An Open Letter to Downtown D.C. Drivers, particularly those of you who traverse 14th Street in downtown at some point during your morning and/or afternoon commutes:

DON'T YOU FEEL FUCKING STUPID NOW?

There, I feel kinda better.

You, my friend, are a stupid driver.

You honked incessantly as if it would make the traffic move faster.

You tried to be a badass and make your oh-so-goddamn-important left turn ahead of oncoming traffic in the same instant your light turns green, so that those pesky pedestrians in the crosswalk ended up making you block up to three lanes of traffic. Because you were so goddamn important that your turn had to come first.

You never seemed capable of judging whether or not your car would be able to clear the opposing crosswalk, such that you would always block the box instead of just waiting one additional light cycle before going on into the intersection. Because you were so goddamn important that waiting for one extra light cycle would have killed you.

Well, now you've gone and done it. Other drivers -- marginally better ones, I suppose -- appear to have complained about your antics enough so that someone in power actually heard.

There are now traffic guards at various intersections on 14th Street downtown during peak traffic hours. They come complete with bright yellow vests and shiny shrill whistles. Crossing guards who will decide for you whether or not your car will make it through the intersection before the light turns red. Crossing guards who will tell you when it's okay to make that left turn. Crossing guards who actually understand the proper meaning of red, yellow, and green lights.

Yes, because you couldn't learn to fucking drive safely and politely on your own, you now have nanny crossing guards making all those big, hard decisions for you. I'm taken back to when I was in elementary school and we stationed Junior Police Officers at all the relevant crosswalks to make sure the kids made it across the street all right. But we were kids who probably actually did need some help crossing the street. You guys are fucking adults behind the wheels of cars. You should have been over your damn selves enough to be able to drive courteously on your own.

Now all we need is for someone to shell out public money to make sure you learn to fucking aim correctly in public bathrooms too, since you obviously can't figure that shit out for yourselves.

12 comments:

kat said...

Can I get an amen?

MoDigli said...

AMEN, and Hallelujah!
And I don't even LIVE in DC.

But this self-important BS is rampant all over the USA.

anne said...

It's rampant the world over, Modigli.
Dennis!, I have a few complaints that I'd like you to articulate for me if that's all right.

Steve said...

Yeah, god dammit! Please send some, as we need help here, too.

D.T. said...

Wow...is it my imagination or are you pissed? LOL...

You should totally send this post to your local newspaper and have them post it in the opinions section, cuz more people should be aware of how sad it is we have to treat adults like children.

Jon said...

As aggressively as I can drive, assuming I'm in a rush, I never drive into the grid. That's a sure fire way to get a ticket and be shot and or stabbed by angry motorists.

I also can't stand cabbies who honk if you don't go a second BEFORE the light turns green! Grrrr!

Caren said...

I'm so glad I don't drive.

Nearly getting run over on a daily basis as a pedestrian or when I'm on my bike is enough for me...

DC Food Blog said...

I work on 14th and K and a major wordy mcwordword on that.

Dennis! said...

I'm happy that I'm not the only one who hates some of these people behind the wheels.

Welcome to all you new commenters! Come back often for my random slice of thoughts on life.

DC Food Blog: I used to work on that corner too. (No, not a a prostitute.) But then we moved to L Street. The traffic doesn't get any bettern one block north.

dom said...

I love it when the driver behind me "honks" his /her horn, I get out of my car and go look at the back of my car like there is a problem , then smile and shrug, thus holding the impatient driver up another 3 minutes.
I know one day I'll get run over or stabbed , but for the time being it ammuses me:-)

Dennis! said...

Dom: Sounds like a fantastic idea. Although, yeah, you do run the substantial risk of bodily injury....

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