I'd Sacrifice My Personal Integrity for a Date

From time to time, I enjoy watching really trashy, awful television shows if for no other reason than to make catty, stupid comments about them, as I'm about to do now. On with the show!

Room Raiders. So bad, it's fun to watch. The premise: three people who have previously signed up for this adventure are basically kidnapped from their homes on some "random" day by an MTV crew, and secluded somewhere or another. While the three of them are sitting there waiting, they start making out and stuff watch from remote video feed as another person -- someone who will eventually win a date with one of these three kidnappees kidnapees canapes persons who were so recently kidnapped -- goes through their rooms. MTV provides these nosy neighbors with little "investigation kits," include a pair of tongs (so they don't have to touch dirty underwear, yet can still pick them up to show to the camera) and a blue light kit (to check for evidence of "stains"). All in all it's pretty nasty and prurient -- which is why I suppose the show does as well as it does.

The point is that the Raider knows nothing about the person whose room they're investigating until the end of the show. All physical depictions of the room's owner are removed from the room by the MTV crew, so the Raider never knows if the room owner is supermodel hot (not me), or math team geek/nerd (me).

The Raider is encouraged to make stupid comments about each of the rooms she's surveying.* Many times these comments are completely retarded and make the Raidee look like a total asshat more than anything. The assumptions some people make are astounding. Other comments are merely idiotic.

One chick I saw walked into the house (the room owner lived in the basement) and loved loved LOVED the living room. The couch was a nice color, she proclaimed, as was the fabric. (Personally, I didn't think it looked all that comfortable, but I have an Ikea couch so what do I know?) "This shows that this guy has taste and knows how to decorate," she proclaimed. "That's a big plus." Of course, she seems to have completely overlooked that the house clearly belonged to his parents and he was dollars-to-doughnuts** completely without voice as to any interior design choices. How the heck did she expect that a 23-year-old boy would come to own an entire house all to himself? And if he did, why would he choose the basement of all rooms as his bedroom? Get a grip, stupid chick.

Another chick I saw raided the refrigerator at the house she visited. "Ew," she said, "this guy's got -- I think it's lamb in the fridge, and it looks like it's gone all moldy. Okay, that's really gross, and a big thumbs down." Cut away to the guy watching her, and the guy is heard to respond, "Uh, that's seasoning. It comes that way so you can just open it and bake it without going through extra hassle." Ooops. How ignorant did that Raider sound when she's here dissing the guy for keeping "moldy" lamb? (I think it was rubbed with pesto or something.)

And I really can't get into why you would ever really want to break out the black light. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know whether there are residual bodily fluids on anyone's bed, even if I'm about to date them. That's just ew. Like hotel sheets, you just have to take it on faith that bedrooms are clean enough for your purposes.

Elimidate. Wow. This show gets worse each time I happen to catch it on the tube. The premise: One girl (I'll call her "TMG", for "The Main Girl" -- it'll double as "The Main Guy") starts the day with four guys. After a certain time, she has to choose to get rid of one of the guys, then another, then another, until she has chosen just one guy to have a "date" with. (Of course, there's also the converse where one guy starts with four girls.)*** Frankly, the only time I'll stop to watch this show is when there are four guys, because odds are high that some of them will remove shirts, and I have to admit, the guys they find are usually pretty hot.

Theoretically, the show is about the four guys vying for the attention of TMG. Strangely, though, the show seems to always degenerate into a "my dick is bigger than his" competition. Not literally, of course.**** But there's actually very little focus on wanting to get to know TMG as a person. It's all just about winning. Do any of the guys really want to be with TMG because of her stunning wit and awesome personality? Not really. Heck, even if she's not supermodel gorgeous, these guys just want to win, if if it means winning a date with a two-bag ugly chick. They'll probably get laid by the end of the night anyway.

If you think that this it's a machismo male competition thing, you're wrong. The chicks do it too. Then it's all about calling the other girls "hos," "sluts," or "trash," and also accusing them of having, uh, surgically enhanced body parts. They'll take the guy just to show up the other girls. Many times that involves inappropriately and rather abruptly leaning over and tonguing the guy. Shockingly, very rarely does the guy ever recoil at a girl randomly shoving her tongue down his throat.

Funny thing is, there doesn't seem to be any "escape clause" for poor TMG. What if s/he doesn't like any of the contestants? S/he doesn't seem empowered to elimidate them all. Does s/he just go out with the least objectionable when the night is over? Or perhaps those episodes just don't air.

I've only seen one episode where one of the "contestant" voluntarily excuses himself. I'll give him credit though, he wasn't shy about what he was looking for. In the Round of Three, it was revealed that TMG was a virgin and planned to remain that way until marriage. She still knew how to have fun, she proclaimed (read: able booze it up and probably even take it up the butt, but still hymenally intact),***** but she wasn't going to give up that one sex act to anyone just yet. Our Horny Humble Contestant decided to relieve TMG of her obligation to select a man to elimidate after the second round; he excused himself, leaving her with two men. His reason? "I'm looking for a girl who has more experience" (read: I don't want to have to break you in). Heh.

And now, the last show of the night, the creme de la creme of dating shows, yes, Blind Date. [Aside: Roger Lodge is a hottie, but of course as the host he has no reason whatsoever to take his clothes off. This is a waste of a hot host.] Need I really say more? Check out that web site. (Okay, it's broadband only, and otherwise kinda sucks, but hey.) The "Unseen Scenes" is hilarious. I personally love their snarky little thought bubble comments they put up during dates.

Do people really believe they'll find good dates on this show? It's fun to watch and all, but it's a train-wreck fun. I'll give them props, they've actually had a few gay date episodes (not many, but oh well) which were just as awful as any other. Quote from one gay show: "If I wanted to date a girly girl, I'd date an actual woman." Quote from same show: "How does it feel to be emasculated on national television by your gay blind date?" Ouch, and ouch.

In the end, no, I would not sacrifice my personal integrity for a date. But it sure is fun to watch.

PS: Do you think this entry would make a good application essay for a stint on "Blind Date"?


* The Raider is not always female; I'm just using that pronoun. The Raidees are selected based upon the sexual orientation of all concerned, though I've only ever caught one gay-male episode of this show. Of course, that's the one where I most expected the canapes to make out in the video room.

** I do not know the origin of this phrase. In fact, it sounds stupid. But it's catchy. Kinda like that stupid "Milkshake" song.

*** Normally, I would consider being upset that there's really no gay episodes of this show, but I really don't think a gay Elimidate would work. You'd have Main Guy surrounded by four other guys. What's to keep two of the "other guys" from hooking up and leaving Main Guy without any lovin'? I'm just sayin'.

**** Oh, but that it were. I wouldn't mind seeing the "show proof" segments spawned from that dramatic device.

***** Woah, was that overly vulgar?