The worst part of any holiday travel -- or any travel at all for that matter -- is the time spent in the air. Even in the best of circumstances, sitting your butt down in one tiny cramped little seat for hours on end gets... well, painful.
(It's even worse when you're suffering from gastrointestinal distress -- see Part I -- but that's not the point of this post.)
Two people worth bitching about on the trip to Seattle. Thought I'd share:
Granola Crunchy C*nt. I have this thing for exit rows. There's more leg room. I thought I had an exit row seat, frankly, but I was wrong. So as the plane kept filling up, I kept a spot on the empty aisle seat in the exit row. When they closed the doors and the seat remained empty, I moved in for the kill: I tried to steal the seat.
"Mind if I grab this seat?" I said to the chick sitting in the second seat as I sat down.
She glared at me. "Actually, I asked for this seat."
"Uh... but you're in that seat."
"I particularly asked for these seats."
I was floored. "Are you telling me you reserved both seats?"
"No, I'm saying I asked to make sure that there would be a spare seat next to me, so I'd prefer if you didn't take it."
I just stared at her. She was fucking kidding me, right?
"I mean, you had a spare seat next to you, so I don't see why you don't stay where you were."
"Uh, because where I was isn't an exit row. There's more space in this row."
"I'm just saying I asked for these seats so I'd be able to spread out, so I'd prefer you didn't take this."
In a sense of complete befuddlement, I returned to my original seat, muttering under my breath the entire time. In the end, I decided that it wasn't worth fighting her for the seat: if I "won," I'd end up having to sit next to her fuming at me the entire time, and I certainly didn't need that bullshit drama. So I went back to my seat, and promptly shot a shitload of daggers from my eyes at her.
Annoying-Ass Kids. Of course, the other reason I kinda wanted to move was because there was a full-on nuclear family behind me, complete with two under-five children (who somehow managed to take up only three seats). These are the kinds of kids are were not felled by the fact that they probably left for the airport at a little after 5 a.m. These are the kinds of kids who are probably awake at 5 a.m. in the ordinary course of a day anyway, creating an unholy terror. For, in fact, they were adept at creating unholy terror on this trip.
Before I got on this flight, I was reading an online chat at Washington Post where one commenter suggested that people just shouldn't be allowed to bring kids onto flights. I remember reading that and thinking what a total ass that guy must be: I mean, do you really expect these parents to abandon their kids when they need to go travelling?
After a few hours of the kids behind me, I found myself thinking that damn poster had a point.
The kids could. Not. Shut. Up. Ever. Okay, not really both of them; I think the younger kid could barely talk and so didn't much. But the older one wouldn't ever shut up. Blah blah blah, for frigging HOURS.
And the worst part about it was that their parents wouldn't do anything to shut them up. Never once did either of the two people with these kids think to say, "Ssssh. Play quietly. You're annoying other people." Not once. Man, take some action! These kids were annoying as all get out!
I was literally at a point when I could have done a full-on Bart Simpson neck throttle without hesitation.
Thankfully, I controlled myself, shot a few more daggers at Granola Crunchy C*nt, and went back to sleep instead.
The ride back was less eventful, though quick shoutouts (and not good ones!) go to: (1) the big ol' redneck wearing a "Member of the NRA" jacket (shudder); (2) the chick next to me who reeked of Jack and who could not put away her cell phone to save her life. Okay, the second chick I was also pissed at more than anything because she sat between me and the cute guy in the window seat. [Aside: If you're a senior finance major at GWU who went to Seattle for Thanksgiving and want to ditch your girlfriend, please feel free to drop a comment or email.]
Tomorrow: Still more Thanksgiving thoughts.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005