Monday, November 14, 2005

I am More Than My Ass.

Some people need to take a hint.

I have one friend, whom I'll call "L.C.," has some habits which truly grate on my nerves. While I admit that my complaints may be a bit petty (just a bit), she doesn't appear to ever take the hint when I point out the annoyances to her.

In particular, she has this horrible habit of referring to people by reducing them all the way down to their rear end. This strange synecdoche actually means her sentences are longer -- though obviously not signficantly -- in her effort to make everyone an "ass":

"So when will your ass be here?"
"It's been forever; I never get to see your ass anymore!"
"What is your ass doing this weekend?"

(Yes, the difference between "your ass" and "you" is just one word, but that one word is annoying in its overuse.)

My responses to her have been less than amused:

"My ass will be there at exactly the same time the rest of me arrives."
"I don't think you've ever seen my ass before, and I sure as hell ain't showing it to you now."
"It will probably be camped on the couch a lot while I watch TV. Well, except for those times when it will be taking a dump with me."

Despite the fact that I call her to the carpet every time she talks about "my ass" to refer to me, she continues to do it. In fact, she anticipates my "smart-ass aleck" response to the "your ass" questions and yet still doesn't make any effort to re-phrase before the fact. In fact, sometimes she'll launch an offensive: "So when are you and your ass going to be there?" Dude, that doesn't fix the annoying wording, at all.

Perhaps I'm just being petty, but I am so much more than the sum of my hindquarters.

6 comments:

Steve said...

She sounds like an ass. Why do you hang out with so many bitchy/c**ty women?

duane said...

Perhaps you should start referring to her as you and your puss? When are you and your puss coming over? When will I see your puss again? Perhaps then she will get the point.

Hey, if she is going to call you an ass, might as well be a smart one.

katie said...

Okay, I think Duanes idea is fantastic, go with that.

mysterygirl! said...

Duane totally took my idea. You should go with that, and see if things change.

(And I love your use of "synecdoche," a word that simply doesn't get used enough) :)

(oh, and my word verification is twtqeers. That seems vulgar!)

Neil Morse said...

Well, so many gay men say they're "discrete" rather than "discreet," so I guess this was only a matter of time, really. We're all going to be just asses and noses and chests from now on.

So how is your left pinky?

Dennis! said...

You guys are funny. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who finds this stuff annoying. But I don't like "puss" and I think "the c word" would be way too offensive, so... what do people think about the word "twat"?