Desperation

I have decided that I simply don't "get" Desperate Housewives. I know it's not meant to truly reflect a slice of reality, but come on.

Let's start with the new Alfre Woodard character -- you know, the one with, oh, a man chained up in her basement. First of all, recall that when she moved in, Edie (her real estate agent) mentioned that she had purchased the house "sight unseen" and that they hadn't even done the customary walk-through. I'm curious, how then did she know that, conveniently enough, there's a dungeon beneath the house?

And then there's the dysfunction that is Edie and Susan. The two of them appear to live to goad each other. Edie deliberately comes over to Susan for the express purpose of rubbing her relationship with Susan's ex-husband into her face. Failing to get a reaction, Edie keeps upping the ante. When she finally manages to push Susan's buttons, she accidentally gets run over. Smart move all around, ladies. You guys are, what, 12?

I know gay men will exhale inhale [thanks, Matt] a collective gasp when I say this, but Bree is fucking psycho and needs to be locked up or subjected to heavy, heavy medication. I had already started hating her when, near the end of last season, she calmly made the bed while Rex was on the stairs suffering from a heart attack. That of itself isn't too terribly outrageous for a television show, but she did it in front of her kids, who were clearly terrified of losing their father. And that whole incident with the tie at the funeral? Man, woman needs needs to get a GRIP. Yeah, that bitch is whack.

Gabrielle Solis fares no better. She's a money-grubbing self-centered egotistical slut. Yeah, Eva Longoria is gorgeous, but her character is so wildly amoral it drives me crazy. (Go fig that Republican women everywhere love this show in all its Girls Behaving Badly dressed up in its Sunday best.) Her affair with lawn boy was remarkably selfish (she was lying to husband and leading the poor kid on) -- although, hell, seeing Jesse Metcalfe shirtless made the whole plot line worthwhile. Now she's just bandying for money. Good Lord woman, grow some principles!

And finally, there's the Scavos. I know I'll catch shit for this too, but no one in that family knew how to raise kids. Those kids were terrors. And wading into a pool in your funeral best is not the way to tame them. Just sighing and letting them scream and bang things around and turn the radio all the way up does not teach them to respect their parents who are supposed to keep them in line. Yes, she did a better job than her stupid (though hunky) husband is doing now, but sheesh.

Okay, I think I'm done now.

(I could go through a very similar analysis of the vapid self-centered characters in Entourage, a show which I really really really wanted to like (because I absolutely adore Jeremy Piven), but I think I'll pass for now.)