Friday, April 14, 2006

Some Clothes Should Not "Fit" Quite So "Well"

To the Two (TWO!) women at the sandwich place getting sandwiches before me today:

Let me start off first by just saying that I, as a not-anorexic gay male, am totally not going to be one to judge you for your weight. No, seriously. Things don't always go swimmingly for us not-skinny people, so I get it.

Oh, you don't think I know what I'm talking about. This is because you think I'm skinny. Let me tell you, though, it's all in how you dress and carry yourself. (There's a reason not many people get to see me naked, but I digress.)

But, see, therein lies my very point: dressing well is key when your body, standing alone, isn't drop-dead fantastic (as opposed to drop-dead-of-a-heart-attack). You, in particular, need someone to tell you that those pants do not look good on you.

First of all, they're white. Every larger-than-life person should know, black is the slimming color. So whenever possible -- even if it's kinda muggy out -- eschew white clothing, and try for a darker color (preferably in breathable fabric, for those summer months).

But most importantly -- oh honey! -- those pants hug way too well, if you know what I mean! (Well, perhaps you don't, because I would hope you did not decide to wear those things out today knowing what I mean.) Cameltoes are classless and out of place even at the beach. You should not be sporting cameltoe on what purports to be an at least semi-professional outfit.

Honestly, I don't even know the solution to this problem besides suggesting a whole new pair of pants. Control top underwear, maybe? Would that work? Maybe a fabric that's less likely to "hug" as much?

But no, seriously, just say "no" to cameltoe.

Sincerely,
Dennis!

** I'd offer up a google search result here, but I think it would be too inflammatory, so I'll leave that off. And I certainly wasn't going to snap a shot of your cameltoe while waiting for my burger.

10 comments:

Steve said...

When I got the the part of this post that said 'those pants hug way too well' I JUST KNEW a cameltoe reference was coming. I knew it! Ew.

Ryan said...

This post comes on a day when all I did was spend Good Friday sending cock pictures to all my gays who ever requested them. Clothes are overrated! :)

Kristin said...

I'm still cringing from "cameltoe on what purports to be an at least semi-professional outfit."

Rich said...

Too funny! And thanks for the warm welcome. Blogs like that brighten my day! BTW, I live in the Bronx and know all too well the wanton evil that is cameltoe! Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle!

Cincy Diva said...

Oh Contraire, mon frere. Large folks can wear white as long as they wear it correctly for their body type. As you said, too snug is not the way. Some loose white pants with a long tunic top would have probably been lovely

Washington Cube said...

Go for the camera next time, Dennis. Another solution: a skirt. Much more forgiving.

duane said...

I have a good friend this applies to, and I don't know how to tell her... her pants are at least 3 sizes too small! That much shouldn't roll over!!!

Now, I feel bad...

The Lily said...

Tailoring as well! It does wonders for creating a clean and simple structure and a slimming outline.

It also dispells nasty thoughts of muumuus.

mysterygirl! said...

Yes! I second this motion. Everyone-- large, small, or in between-- should wear clothes that fit; otherwise nobody is immune to the possibility of the cameltoe. Don't be a statistic, ladies.

katie said...

cameltoe is a serious problem. Why oh why don't people see these things before they leave the house?!?!