Sexy Chicky-poo

I feel like an old fuddy-duddy for saying it, but that Sue Johanson chick on the Oxygen network (on a Canadian show called "Sunday Night Sex Talk") is scary. Not because she's some Dr. Ruth wannabe, but she's so woefully malinformed that I can no longer watch her program without fearing for her viewers.

First, my introduction to Ms. Johanson. One night I was hanging out with my friend Elizabeth in her apartment. Elizabeth has a shorter attention span than I do; indeed, her channel surfing skills broke all stereotypes about men hogging the remote control. I was full from dinner (and therefore tired), so I just let her surf around.

Eventually, she stopped on Ms. Johanson's show and kept it there for a pretty long time. (Clearly, she knew something I didn't know.) Ms. Johanson kept going on and on and on about statistics related to how bad it is to smoke while pregnant, reading statistic after statistic regarding tobacco and pregnancy. I had no idea why Elizabeth was so interested in this; I just half-listened while I spaced out from a bit of food coma (we had just had dinner).

My ears perked up when Ms. Johanson finished her rant on smoking, concluding with: "That's my plug... that's my butt plug for the night."

I sat up, looked over at Elizabeth, and, incredulous, mouthed, "Did she just say 'butt plug'?"

Indeed, she had. This was my introduction to Dr. Johanson. Yes, she's an old woman talking open and happily about sex with no shame about it. But Johanson is nowhere near as cute as Dr. Ruth. In an interview once, she played up her "old lady" status by commenting that she didn't want the world to think she was some "sexy chicky-poo". This made me laugh.

I caught her again a few months later, while staying with a friend in Richmond. It was at this point that I decided that she had no idea what she was talking about.

Example #1: Relatively innocuous, but still exhibiting a clear lack of imagination, which to my mind is essential for a "sex therapist," especially when it comes to questions of technique. A caller (I think it was a straight woman) asked about anal intercourse and requested some suggestions for other positions to make it easier or more enjoyable. Ms. Johanson whipped out a set of wooden stick figures (those things creep me out, by the way) and began to position them as a way of demonstrating how to achieve back-door action: the caller could bend forward over a couch, she explained (while demonstrating with the freaky stick-dolls) or the caller could get on all fours (again, positioning the figures accordingly). Then she stopped. And she actually said, "Well I think that's really about it... your options are fairly limited with that request...."

Man, this woman has never ever seen any gay porn in her life. Gay men in porn videos know how to fuck. And they do it in 10,001 different positions. In an overwhelming number of these instances, it does not involve anyone bending over a couch. The fact that she could only come up with two examples of how to accept rear entry, Ms. Johanson let down this particular caller who was seeking advice on how to enhance that aspect of her sex life.

Example #2: Downright dangerous. A caller -- I think it was a male -- called to discuss "rimming." Basically, his question boiled down to what dangers are inherent in the practice, and whether he should be careful when engaging in the act. Ms. Johanson's response: In a nutshell, HIV if there's blood-to-bodily fluid contact, and that's about it. Then she broke for a commercial.

"Hel-LO!" I protested. "Hepatitis! Which should the first thing that pops into the mind of a sex therapist when rimming is mentioned!"

Sure enough, Ms. Johanson supplemented her earlier response by mentioning hepatitis upon her return from commercial break. I'm wondering what producer came running up to the stage to correct of her this error.

I don't know if the show is live or not, but if the caller didn't switch the channel right after receiving his answer, he missed out on some valuable information. If the show's not live and the calls are tape-recorded, then that's just worse, because there's little chance that he heard the real answer after he hung up with her.

Anyway, all I'm saying is, if you're going to hold yourself out as an expert, you need to know your shit down cold.