Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Butchy Day

This morning in the space of less than half an hour my wife came up in conversation twice.

Twice. What are the odds? Granted, neither person who made the comment knew me, and it's not unreasonable to just assume heterosexuality, but twice. Wow. I think the universe is trying to send me a signal.

The first reference took place as I was going through the metal detector at the courthouse. I was admonished to remove everything from my pockets, including my wallet. (I usually don't remove my wallet just because I don't think there's anything in there that should set off a metal detector.) Heeding the security guard's instruction, though, I removed my wallet and placed it in a plastic tub.

"Take your money back," the guy told me. I guess there was a fear that someone the other end would make off with my cash, which was visible, seeing as my wallet is actually a money clip. So I removed the lone one-dollar bill from the clip and put it in my pocket. (The rest of my money, change from the $20 I spent buying some breakfast, was in my pocket already.)

"Wife keeping you on a short leash there, huh?" the guard joked with me. I guess one sign of a wife's control over her husband is her not doling out an adequate sum for lunch money. I laughed with him and continued on my way.

I met my boss and our client in the cafeteria and talked briefly about the case. I had never met this client before; my boss is the lead on her matter, so today was the first time we were introduced. The client, within three questions, asked whether I was married.

"Uh, excuse me?" I asked, now thrown by the second reference to my wife following so quickly on the heels of the first.

She explained that she was under the impression that "the other attorney" (the one not my boss) was married. We explained that for a little bit, our other associate worked on her matter, and that other associate was a married woman.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were straight. Then I realize it wouldn't be terribly different from what it is now: seeing as I can't seem to get a date with a guy, there's no real reason to believe my luck would be any better with a woman.

Still, I think I'll take my newfound heterosexuality and hit a strip club this weekend. I can use those singles from my money clip.


kat said...

i friend of mine from law school got married last year, and now he can't do anything anymore because his wife won't let him spend any money. hilarious!

anne said...

You're on to something... That tight leash, I'll bet it's to prevent a straying husband from visiting a strip-club on his lunch hour.
Can't wait for the blog recap of your visit, though...! :)

Jon said...

I attended my dad's wedding to my step mom at the age of 20 and broought along a friend as a date. One of the guests said 'your wife is stunning' to me, and I actually started laughing. I couldn't help it :)

Dennis! said...

Kat: Financial responsibility! *whipcrack!* I'm so glad I only have my own pocketbook to look after.

Anne: I actually wasn't seriously planning on it, but a trip to a titty bar (*snicker*) would make great blog fodder, wouldn't it?

Jon: I went a friend's wedding on Cape Cod with a girl-friend a few years ago. At some point, the father of the bride asked me if I was married. "Uh, no," I told him. Thing is, I was pretty sure he knew I'm gay.

Matthew said...

It's sometimes amazing how casually heterosexuals inquire about people's personal lives. And their assumations, when wrong, are even more embarrassing.

Sorry you had to deal it, Dennis!

If it's any consolation, I get it all the time, mostly because of the ring on my finger.


Drew said...

Once, at a wedding where I was the best man, the matron of honor pulled me aside to ask about my new girlfriend. When I laughed and said, "Excuse me?", she told me that the bride had mentioned I was seeing someone, but that person wasn't coming to the wedding.

Oh, the sneaky pronoun game...and three cheers for assumptions of heterosexuality for all!

(I feel like I've told that story before, so if I did - my apologies.)

Steve said...

I posted something a while back about a guy who works where I bank who always had a wedding band on when I saw him. [Sidenote: For whatever reason, I find something sexy about a cute guy wearing a wedding ring.] Anway, I just thought he was married, as in, married, so I just left it at that. Imagine my suprise when I ran into him at a local homo establishment. During the conversation, I grabbed his hand and asked him about the (now missing) ring. He said he only wears it to throw off all the little old lady bank customers who are always trying to fix him up with spinster daughters/granddaughters. I don't assume anything anymore.

Will said...

The idea of you wearing a tight leash is oddly arousing...

Dennis! said...

Funny thing is, I don't even wear a ring. On any finger.

Drew: So when am I going to be your wedding date?

Steve: I remember that post!

Will: You dirty dirty boy! :)

duane said...

Don't do it! Back away from the vagina!