Friday, September 23, 2005

Conversation With the Almighty

I recently blogged about right-wing fanaticos who take every opportunity they get to blame liberals and homofags for natural disasters like Katrina. At the time I wrote those words, I mentioned the lack of voices labelling it "God's Will" that two deep-south states -- including the home of Trent Lott -- were destroyed. Matt corrected me to note that, in fact, someone had taken to the airwaves to claim that New Orleans, cesspool of decadence that it is, was in fact destroyed because God decided He didn't like it.

This morning I awoke to headlines and radio reports that Houston is undergoing massive, mandatory evacuation which is not going well. A bus filled with elderly people caught fire, killing its occupants (number yet unknown). Cars are backed up on their way out of Houston, with people making maybe 10 miles per hour out of the city. Compound that with a shortage of gas, meaning some cars are running out of gas on the freeway, further exacerbating things. I heard on the radio that given the chaotic state of evacuation efforts, at this point it makes more sense to stay home than try to avoid Hurricane Rita.

I'm curious to see what kind of conversation the right-wing fanaticos ("RWFs") are having with God about this natural disaster:

RWF: Oh Lord, who are You angry with now?
God: No one. Geez Louise, would you get over that already? I love everyone, or did that message not come through clearly enough in that Bible book you love so much?
RWF: But You sent Hurricane Katrina to destroy the heathen town of New Orleans, and those of us righteous enough to heed Your actions have seen Your awesome wrath. Now You send Hurricane Rita toward Houston. Who can we say inspired Your wrath this time?
God: Bitch, don't make me come down there and bitchslap you personally. I'm not angry at anyone, foo'! Stuff happens sometimes, you know?
RWF: Are you sure it's not feminists or abortionists or ho-mo-sexuals that You're angry with?
God: In Houston? Bitch please.
RWF: There must be a reason!
God: You idiot! If you insist on attributing things to my "vengeance," let's clear up a thing or two. Remember when Pat Robertson said I'd be all P.O.'d by gay flags in Orlando, and that I'd send a hurricane to destroy that place? Remember what happened? Orlando was spared.
RWF: But Katrina....
God: Yeah, that was unfortunate.
RWF: "Unfortunate"? You smote the heathens!
God: Katrina also took out a big part of Biloxi, Mississippi, too, or hadn't you noticed? Are you saying Trent Lott also deserved my wrath?
RWF: Trent Lott is a God-fearing, religious man...
God: ... whose house was destroyed. Find my will in that one, genius.
RWF: But what should we make of Rita?
God: You know you're gonna make of Rita whatever you want to make of Rita, imposing whatever religious and political implications you frigging feel like.
RWF: ...
God: [sighs] Fer cryinoutloud, if you want a reason so bad, here, let me give you one: You mo-fos have invoked my name far too many times for your own hateful purposes. So I sent a hurricane to destroy one of the biggest cities in Texas, where this doofus U.S. President is from, because hopefully then you won't be able to blame my hatred of someone for it.
RWF: ...
God: Or heck, maybe I'm sending the hurricane to Houston to smite you Republicans down there. Ever think of that one, genius?
RWF: That's not something ... that's not something that'll sound good to the people who listen to me.
God: No shit, Sherlock.
RWF: How about illegal immigrants? Those Mex-i-cans. Maybe I can say You're smiting them....
God: Of course! Oh wow, you're right. Because I, who created the heavens and earth, care more about geopolitical boundaries than I do about the well-being of each individual person on the planet.
RWF: But Lord, I must say I don't understand.
God: You haven't understood in a very long time, dude.


katie said...

Fantastic post! I am waiting to see how they try and spin this one.

MoDigli said...

haha! ... You're cracking me up. And what's up with God's ghetto accent? Is he just trying to "keep it real?" hehehehe....

Steve said...

Oh, but just wait, there will be a religious screwball who will soon reveal that Rita is actually 'Jesus Smackdown II' to get the one's he missed during the first one, fo' real. Excellent post, Dennis!

Will said...

The lord has such street cred.

thisplaceisdeadanywayguy said...

completely off subject, but i never noticed before--why are there asterix's (what is the plural of asterix?) next to the names of some of your links?

Dennis! said...

Katie: I've no doubt someone somehow will find a way.

Modig: I just found it amusing. However, He's not "keepin' in real," because, you see, His grammar skillz are still intact. :)

Steve: If, by "the ones He missed," one means "Republicans," then sure. :)

Will: The Lord is some people's homeboy, yo.

Guy: Theoretically, those asterisks mean "recently updated." At least that's what blogrolling tells me. I've come to find out that feature's not terribly accurate, though.

Me said...

That's awesome. Amen.

sirbarrett said...

lol, I'm glad you got God to straighten things out with those right-wingers. Very funny post.

Vince said...

I'm telling you, you have it all wrong. They all have it all wrong. I talked to God yesterday and he is systematically destroying all red states.

aisy said...

hahahah, that was hilarious